A very powerful book, The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present in the Life You Have by Mark Nepo found its way to me a few years back.  The Book of Awakening is a day book of thought-provoking wisdom written by a poet and philosopher after experiencing life’s challenges, including a dysfunctional relationship with his mother and a cancer diagnosis.  Honestly, I am not even sure where it came from.  After my diagnosis, I was on a quest for deeper meaning and connection to God, spiritual truths and the meaning of life.  It is quite possible that I bought it on one of my many pilgrimages to Barnes and Noble where I scoured the shelves for that magic bullet.  It also could have been a gift from a friend who recognized my journey, having experienced a similar calling.  Many friends provided wonderful sources of inspiration to me during my dark days.  If you are that friend, please let me know!

The entry for March 7th was entirely apropos.  Mark retells the ancient Chinese parable of the monkey and his fist of rice.  Now, all animal lovers please bare with me…I did not like the idea of this monkey trap, but the lesson in it is so profound that it might release you from your greatest self-imposed prison quite rapidly! In order to catch a monkey, the ancient Chinese hollowed out a coconut, leaving a hole slightly smaller than a monkey’s fist.  The coconut was filled with rice and left in the path of monkeys.  Sooner or later a hungry monkey would come along, smell the rice and slip its hand into the coconut.  As the monkey tried to pull the rice out, his fist would become trapped by his own stubbornness.  All that the monkey had to do to escape was to release its grip on the rice and ease his empty hand out.  The monkey was often not able to see this truth and was not able to see the abundance of food available all around him.  The monkey became fixated on this one outcome:  the need to get that rice.

Mark then asks us to contemplate what our ‘rice’ might be.  At the time I read this, I had just published my first blog about How a Brain Tumor Was My Greatest Teacher. Publishing my personal challenges, I knew was the right thing to do, but also something that made me feel very vulnerable.  So often we put on masks in our daily lives and here I was stripping mine off for the world to see.  Do you kids of the 70s and 80s remember the Jetsons?  Well, it reminded me of the Jetsons episode when Jane Jeston (the mom) was on the ‘facetime’ phone with a friend using a mask that made her look put together.  By accident, her friend’s mask fell off and she was revealed in all her morning ‘bed head’ glory.  That is how I felt exposing my underbelly 🙂  So after reading Mark’s entry, I set out for my daily, sacred walk as I do almost every day, in nature with my two pups.  I bring them to a radiant place, Bay Farm, where they are allowed to run unleashed through the fields, the woods, on the beach and in the waters of Kingston Bay while I walk, appreciate the sounds of nature and contemplate.  As I began my walk, I silently asked myself ‘What is my grain of rice?’.  My higher self answered pretty much instantaneously: R.E.S.P.E.C.T (just a little bit).

Respect.  It is what I crave.  It is what I seek.  It is what LIMITS me.   Even as a kid I made decisions based on what would make my parents, my teachers and my peers ‘respect’ me.  On many occasions, my fear of not succeeding, of not being respected at something I tried, kept me from ever trying it.  The thought of being embarrassed was too strong of a deterrent.  I remember a particularly painful event from about the age of 8 that made me afraid to put myself ‘out there’ for years to come.  My sister Kristin was an amazing gymnast.  In fact, she won the Class IV New York State all-around gold medal at the age of 13.  Kristin’s coach, Yuri, a very intimidating (to me) Russian man begged my mother to get me started in gymnastics because if Kristin was that good, imagine what he could do with me if he could get me started earlier.  So finally, I had my moment in the sun….quite reluctantly because, if you know me well, you know that gymnastics is not my ‘strong suit’.  I was put to task attempting a back somersault on the low balance beam (literally less than a foot off the floor).  No matter how many times I tried, I could not get my ass to roll over.  I cried silently but continued to try.  To know that my sister practically ruled the gym and I couldn’t do this simple task was stinging.  Meanwhile, Yuri and my mother looked on.  Now comes the ‘fun’ part.  Yuri turned to my mother, within ear shot of me and said “You do not need to bring Erin back.”  Lesson learned:  never try.  As a result of that experience, I made a decision to not embarrass myself.  In choosing to not try things that challenged me I did avoid failing but I also avoided living.  It became natural for me to ride the middle of the ‘talent’ pool.  I was good at many things, garnering respect, but rarely shined because I couldn’t risk the embarrassment of failure.

So I fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and the realization that my need for respect has held me back in so many ways in my life.  At first, I was thrilled with the feedback from my first blog.  It was a confirmation that ‘you like me, you really, really like me’.  But once I became aware of my ‘fist of rice’, my outlook was transformed.  I was able to see that I didn’t need approval.  I didn’t need respect.  Respect, in this way, is external validation.  External validation, in any form, is a tool the ego uses to reinforce “I am not good enough, unless others think I am.”  It robs me of my joy.  I am discovering that I love to write.  Yes, it is a wonderful tool that I use to connect others with my journey and anything they can learn from it.  Writing helps me to fulfill my life’s purpose which is to inspire others to love themselves exactly where and who they are and to see the challenges they face as powerful instruments of change in their lives.  I also write because it feeds my soul.  It isn’t hard for me to write.  It feels amazing.  I think when something comes easily, you know you have found your calling.  If you have to struggle at it then something is just not quite right.  When I write I get lost in it (when I am not forcing it) and it feels like my soul flowing through me and connecting with each of you.  What a gift.  I don’t need respect from anyone because I am doing what I was born to do and I like how I feel when I am doing it. 

The spiritual truth that I align with is that every single one of us is an equal piece of God.  I am not any better than anyone else and I am not any worse.  Nothing God has created is less than perfect.  My need for respect kept me from loving myself for exactly who I was.  I am no longer the monkey with her hand stuck in the coconut.  Now that I know that the food (spiritual truth) is within me I can release my fist and embrace the abundance that is always available to me simply because I exist.

Now, it’s your turn.  What is your fist of rice?  It probably won’t take you very long to figure it out.  Quiet your mind, ask the question silently or out loud and be open to the first answer that comes back.  Once you are aware of it, you now have the key to unlock the prison door.