I think I’ve been looking at spiritual enlightenment the wrong way. I look to those enlightened souls of the past and present and always aspire to be like them in their grace, poise and purity of heart. I have often noted to myself and to friends that the path of enlightenment seems far tougher when we have children, particularly if you are the ‘default’ parent as I read in a great Huffington Post blog that my friend shared this week. I am the default parent. I am the one who feeds, clothes, provides homework assistance, taxis, mends bruised egos, plays nurse, acts as confidant and also as punching bag. My husband participates wherever he can but he is gone a lot so most of it falls to me.
I have noticed that most of those that I aspire to be like on the path to enlightenment are either women without children or whose children are raised or men who are not the default parent! That is not an attainable circumstance for me, nor would I want it to be…most days. Many wellness activists pursue their callings unhindered by the prospect of their daughter struggling with Common Core math or their son navigating the treacherous path of ‘tweens. I believed even with my own cancer journey that if I only had myself to manage that I could have gone away for a month somewhere to focus exclusively on healing. I was wrong. First, I recognize that those individuals leading the way to enlightenment had their own challenges to overcome, that some might have desperately wished to have children but couldn’t and had to overcome that, and I certainly don’t wish to diminish their experiences at all. Second, being the default parent while pursuing higher consciousness I actually see can be the A.P. (advanced placement) course in spiritual enlightenment. The fact is that the majority of adults on the planet are parents. We want to share our lives with children. We make this choice. It does not seem reasonable or rational that God, or whatever Divine Presence you refer to, would put us all in this position if it actually stunted our spiritual growth.
I have often thought of writing a blog about how to achieve spiritual enlightenment while parenting children. I always said, ‘when I figure it out, I’ll write it’. Then I realized there was nothing to figure out. I just needed to put in practice all the lessons that I’ve learned. In fact, working with these lessons through the experience of parenting is a fast track to enlightenment. It is not for the faint of heart and is definitely not an ego massage. It is messy, unpredictable, and exhausting. Just when you think you have a win in your corner, another issue pops up that requires your full, undivided attention – while you simultaneously cook dinner, fold laundry and grab the sock out of the puppy’s mouth before it’s torn to shreds. What do I mean by ‘lessons’? Here are a few examples:
Your Job Isn’t to Fix Other’s Problems, it is to ‘Hold the Space’.
‘Holding the Space’ is one of those new age phrases that basically means that you are allowing someone else to talk about their issue (to vent), to put words to it, so that they can begin to see the lesson and the solution. Holding the space is not listening to someone’s problem and trying to solve it. As a parent I know that when my kids come to me with a problem my immediate reaction is to try to solve it for them. This usually doesn’t work. Occasionally I have a win but more often my kids get frustrated by my suggestions, roll their eyes and fail to listen to my advice. We spin our wheels a lot. Honestly, did your mother solve your problems growing up? I’m not talking about basic needs, I’m talking about emotional wounds. When someone was nasty to you in 7th grade did your mom fix it? Is it reasonable to expect that a mother can fix that? Sure you can get all ‘helicopter’ and call the parents of all the offending kids that ever made your child feel less than but at some point doesn’t your child need to figure out that other’s opinions should not dictate how they feel about themselves? Don’t they have to go through the pain to learn how they will handle it? Didn’t we all do that? Recognizing that we are not responsible for how others feel about us is a profoundly important spiritual lesson. Perhaps the better response would be to let your child vent. Allow them to let it out so the bad feelings don’t get stuck in their bodies. Hug them. Physical touch is powerfully healing. Be quiet and be present. Send them loving energy. Remind them, that you were a kid once too and you remember how bad it felt sometimes and that you are so sorry that they have to feel this. If it seems opportune, tell them about some of your ugly moments and tell them that you grew from them. Be kind, gentle and recognize that they are on a spiritual path as well. “Hold the space” and let them know that they can always confide in you. This isn’t just kids’ stuff’. These are the events that shape our later experiences. Honor them.
Loving Yourself is More Important than Anything Else You Will Ever Learn
Self-love was something I have really had to work through. I never felt that way about myself. I was far closer to the self-loathe camp. I don’t know if being a kid is harder now than it was before but it certainly carries a lot of pressure to succeed. Kids now run around from activity to activity always proving themselves and their worth. Dance, basketball, art, swimming, debate team. Although these activities lead to enrichment they also often lead to competition. It seems that kids spend a fair amount of their ‘free’ time doing things to improve themselves. OK, so that is the way things are now and there is great benefit in finding what you are passionate about, but the way it’s done isn’t exactly a recipe for self-love, is it? When you push yourself to succeed, to be the best at something, aren’t you acknowledging at some level that you wouldn’t be good enough if you sucked at it? Everyone is looking for their niche. That activity that they can hang their hat on and say “I am worthy.” “I am good enough”. In the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment an important step is discovering that we are all one, no one is better than anyone else, no one is more deserving. This pretty much flies in the face of western parenting.
I am closer to self-love than I have ever been before, but I still mess it up. I still feel as though I must prove my worth sometimes. Parenting can be like a mirror. Parenting gives us the opportunity to look at our own ego issues. It gives us the chance to demonstrate to our kids that we love ourselves even though we are far from perfect….aka I am no Stepford Wife. Parenting also offers us the chance to share with our kids that trying is far more important than succeeding, even though our ego-driven world would attempt to tell them the exact opposite. Demonstrate how much you love yourself by taking excellent care of all of your physical, mental and emotional needs. Teach your children that loving themselves for exactly who they are leads to generosity, happiness and humility. Self-love is not selfish and actually makes one a better parent because it shows your child that everybody matters. Remind them (and yourself) that God made all of us. God did not make Susie more perfect or deserving than Jane.
Surrender. Let Go of Your Need to Control Your Life.
Parenting is chaos. We try so valiantly to organize, schedule and stay on top of all that we need to do. The only friends I see around me who have this under control are people who naturally love organization. You know the ones: the moms who get excited about new wall organizers. In my life at least, most of these women were teachers before having children and thus they are in their comfort zone with managing the controlled chaos of children. For the rest of us novices, parenting provides a pretty ‘real world’ lesson in surrender. Sometimes you simply can’t be in 3 places at once. Parenting is like working the graveyard shift in a hospital emergency room on a full moon. You never know what looniness is going to come walking through the door.
I work at home while my kids are at school. I am in total control of that environment. I set the music I want, I work on writing what I want or work on my Young living business. I decide. At 3 p.m., with the screech of the school bus, all bets are off. Is my daughter going to get off the bus smiling or storming into the house crying about a bad encounter with a friend? It’s a crap shoot. I. Have. No. Control. I switch gears from being ‘in control’ to being utterly at the mercy of the winds. My only option is to go with the flow. This is where ‘holding the space’ must be put to use. Every moment in our lives offers us an opportunity to learn. Luckily as a parent we have ample opportunities to choose a different response when we screw it up the first, second or tenth time. Sometimes I react in frustration. That does not serve my kids nor me. Instead, it behooves us all to observe the scene that we find ourselves in and respond only after mindful consideration and a deep breath (lock yourself in the bathroom for a minute if you have to). One of my favorite expressions about getting kids to do what you want is that it’s like ‘herding cats’. So true. Life is not control. Control sucks the joy out of life and leaves no room for the unexpected. Let go. Expect the unexpected and roll with it. Surrender and in doing so, show your kids that life is meant to be messy. The messes teach us all the most.
“All That You Are is a Result of What You Have Thought”
Buddha said these wise words. I have often contemplated this spiritual truth and acknowledged that I would like to have a little chat with my higher self regarding some of the things I have ‘created’. Everything that happens to us is our creation. That is quantum physics truth. Childhood is about distilling oneself and making choices about who you would like to be and who you wouldn’t. Often the creative process is done without conscious thought however. Practicing conscious creation, which essentially means keeping your mind on what you want to happen rather than what you don’t, is an absolutely essential lesson to teach children. You could equate it with the pessimist/optimist view of the world. Both achieve exactly what they put into it. The pessimist will always be proven right that nothing works out for him. The optimist will always be right that everything works out for the best for her. From a child’s perspective this could translate to “I’m not smart” because a standardized test failed to acknowledge that individual’s unique talents, or “nobody likes me” because your child feels bad about being left out of a recess game. As we continue down our paths we find more of these types of events because that is where our mind is being programmed to take us based on what we are experiencing. This is where patterns form. In these moments we must reprogram our minds. One method that I have used with some success is in providing my kids with an affirmation recording called “I Am” by Paul Santisi. This hour long recording in 3D sound does wonders for increasing one’s confidence and ownership of one’s life experiences. I listen to it myself most days and encourage my kids to listen to it as they fall asleep.
As parents, we are given the opportunity to lead by example in every interaction. We must model the truth that we create what we experience by appreciating when things go right and acknowledging our responsibility when things go wrong. Stop blaming others. When we blame, we are teaching scapegoating. Allow your kids to see you stating your affirmations about yourself. “I am going to make this work”. “I love myself”. “I am pretty awesome”. Allow them to see you acknowledge your snafus and course correct too. “Yeah, that didn’t work out that well” “Next time, I am going to try it this way instead.” “I learned a lot about what I don’t want to happen.” Let your kids witness your humanity not your ‘perfection’.
These are just a very small sampling of the opportunities for enlightenment that we as parents are fortunate enough to experience. Approach your challenges with humor, love of yourself and the acknowledgement that everything that happens to us is a part of a divine plan that we created so that we could awaken fully to our true selves. In giving to our children in these ways we also gift ourselves and get closer to remembering who we all really are.