Sympathy is a beautiful thing.  It is a mark of our humanity to want to support our loved ones in times of crisis.  It reminds us that we are not alone at the most challenging times of our lives.  It brings out the best in our friends and neighbors.  It lightens our burdens when we use it the right way, as a temporary support.  But it has a dark side.

Sympathy can very quickly turn into a victim crutch.  I hobbled around on sympathy’s crutch for a long time after my father passed away and after my own diagnosis.  I parked in the sympathy spot a lot.  It’s easy to do because friends, family and even acquaintances will allow you to stay there and will keep feeding you sympathy energy if you keep asking for it.  By parking long term in sympathyland, you keep yourself a victim of circumstance.

When you are feeling vulnerable about a scary life event, the loss of a loved one, a medical issue or even job insecurity, it’s easy to want sympathy.  Sympathy has the ability to mentally transport us back to our childhood years when we ran to our parents with banged up knees and bruised egos.  It’s easy to want to go there, to take off the big girl or boy pants, and let others see how hard our life is.  But if you stay there too long it becomes a problem.  It doesn’t make your circumstance any better.  It doesn’t take the brain tumor away.  It doesn’t make you less laid off.  It doesn’t make your new health condition less frustrating.  It doesn’t bring your loved one back.  But it does keep you stuck…in a vicious cycle of pain and dependence.

Time and again I have read, been told and learned the hard way that focusing on what I don’t want is the recipe for getting more of what I don’t want.  When others feel sorry for you, you are adding MORE fuel to the fires of getting more of what you don’t want.  I’m not suggesting that we turn a blind eye to the suffering of our friends and family, far from it, but it is in these moments when we feel powerless that we need support from our loved ones to remember how to feel powerful.

I recently finished Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult.  The grief of elephants forms the backdrop of this story.  When a mother elephant grieves the loss of a baby in the wild, the herd honors her need for grief for a period of time, after which the herd gently, but emphatically brings the mourning mother back to the group and they travel on.  We humans can learn a lot from this model.  No matter what the challenge or tragedy, take the time to grieve; feel the anger, frustration, pain and sadness, but then be brave enough to journey on with the support of your herd.  You are here to live, not wallow, no matter what challenge you face.  If you are the friend or loved one playing the supporting role, honor the sacred process of change, but also be the one to nudge your loved one back onto the life path when it is time.